Sunday, July 28, 2013


Holy fuck, I haven't written in this thing in nearly a year... well guess the fuck what??? I've learned to fucking curse.
Or at least I learned how to use the "F" word.

So this last year has been a bit of a bitch.  (I learned the word bitch).

I'm not going to go into the horrible details- because as I've learned once, people no like when you talk about them in your blog with out their permission... and when you ask, you don't get permission...

They say it's better to ask forgiveness than permission... and I don't know who "they" are but they are obviously more charming that I am, or handsome, because every time I ask for permission I get no, and when I apologize I get things thrown at me... shoes, books, cheese wheels... you know the usual.

Anyway, this past year- well eight months has been pretty miserable... about the most miserable of my life.

Now when you hear people say that- that kind of superlative- "the most BLANK in my BLANK" (oh stop it you dirty minded bastards!!) you think, "who is this fuck nuts?  What is he like twelve? Grow some fucking graying pubes and then talk to me!" (Christ you guys are dirty!)  But YOU KNOW WHAT???

I'm thirty-seven years old now.... that's like almost half of the life expectancy of the average male in the United States according to Wikipedia- AND IT NEVER LIES!!

Don't tell me what I feel, or what I can do, or that I have no idea what it's like to be in a real...- I digress...

What I'm saying is that it's been a tough year, and now- most nights I find myself a bit drunk on the couch, maybe passing out to Kitchen Nightmares on Netflix...

It's not a terrible life.  No, no, no.  I go to the gym every day.

Well, most days.

I didn't go today.

Or yesterday (actually I did go yesterday).

I am, however drinking rum.  So you see!!

I've called some friends to help me through this trying time... and some have totally stepped up... some have been more occupied with other things... But they're not off the Christmas list... no sir... I don't play like that... but they've been downgraded to the $5 gift card at a gas station... because $5 of gas is just funny.

Let me just say this...

I've never thought of Chess as that fascinating a thing to be able to play.  I know, I know- I'm gonna hear it from all you chess heads out there... or not because no one reads this thing...

I went though my required period of trying to learn chess while in college.  I had a goatee and I smoked, and I wore glasses... and flannel and I was in Texas... that's commitment.

But what I gathered was that chess is a game in which there will ALWAYS be a finite number of moves- and those moves are locked... there's not improvisation in chess. Your dude can only move this way or that... and your opponents dude can only move this way or that...

I guess growing up and playing sports where athletic ability, and sometimes just dumb luck won you games spoiled me as to what a game should be.  Sure maybe the other guy was bigger, but you could be faster.  Or maybe that Hail Mary play will actually work this time...

So it's not so much a game of luck and skill like playing poker, or Jenga, or basketball, or Candy Land, but mostly a game of how many chess moves have you been able to stuff inside your head... is it more than your opponent? Good, you'll win the game.  Can I out maneuver the person sitting across from me?  "Is that a King's Indian Attack?  I better  Dutch Defense that shit... "

For me, chess has always been more of a dance competition without the flare or sequins.  At least in dance there's some artistry, in chess there is usually just some blow hard ass hole who like to feel smarter or better than you, or me, or that guy sitting in the corner watching King of Queens...  Show me a chess player and I'll show you someone who's read at least one Kurt Vonnegut book.

I don't know why chess has never fascinated me.  It should.  I've read at least one Kurt Vonnegut book.  I've never seen an episode of King of Queens and I only watch FRIENDS when I'm being ironic (except for that episode where Ross FINALLY kisses Rachel and Phoebe says, "He's her lobster." and everyone laughs and cries... you watch that shit for real).  But I've never really taken to the game of chess.

Man, I've been going to this zumba class lately (Yes, we've learned that maybe trying new things isn't a horrible experience)- and I gotta say, if I can keep my dance competition analogy, I would much rather enter a dance competition and learn those moves... and I can't dance for shit...

But at least there there's that element of the unknown... not knowing what you're capable of until you're doing what you're doing.

That's all I'm saying.

Chess ain't all that.

AND YES- I had to look up the moves King's Indian Attack and Dutch Defense but no I did not read what those moves actually entail because I didn't care, but because of my Dancing with the Stars work out video I can now almost do a Pas De Bourree, which for you dancers is probably like taking a step, but for someone who is lucky to be able to take a step- it's quite a feat.