Friday, July 15, 2011

Woes of a content life

Random thoughts that I will somehow string together-
1) It took me way too long to type that last sentence as my fingers refused to hit the proper keys on the key board.
2) I keep getting distracted by Twitter and the need to play the game Bejewelled.
3) I hate working out.  I haven't worked out in weeks, maybe even months now.

So-wait a minute, quick game of Bejewelled...

Sometimes I think I'm pretty good at Bejewelled- except then there are times when I'm really bad at it.  I really thought it would be neat if a space alien came down to earth and picked me to help him stop an intergalactic war- and the only way we could stop this war was by putting large, free floating, similar looking jewels in groups of three or more... ala The Last Starfighter- but you know, without all the fighting.
Except then I have days like today when I just not very good at seeing the patterns, and I feel like I'm really just wasting my time even more (as if me playing Bejewelled isn't a waste of time- but playing Bejewelled poorly is a waste of time).

Of course what I should be doing is something productive.  I'm not 100% sure what that means anymore.
See before, before that was easy.  It's easy to define yourself by what you do.  Before I was a kid.  So before, I would occupy my free time by doing kid stuff.  I'd go out, ride my bike.  Go see a movie.  Play daytime basketball.  But now I'm older.  Bicycles hurt my ass.  It's way too hot to even think about outside.  And the irony is you think that once you become an adult you have more money to do things, which is true, but it becomes far more difficult to spend willy nilly, because you can no longer depend on your parents to provide coverage for your poor financial planning (though you can hope- and ask politely).

Then you go from kid to student.  So usually there is no free time.  Free time is reading time, or homework time, or if you do get a break from that, then it's drinking and partying time.  And there's always that available.

Well, then, then you're out of college, and you're  a young adult starting a job, and you're chasing tail, and working by day, drinking by night.  Meeting new people in the professional world, meeting new drinks in the blacking out world...

And then, BAM- you're finally a few years older.  You're kind of established, you've been working for the same company for ten years, realizing your friends make way more than you, and sure that bothers you, but that seems to be counterbalanced by the fact that you have a steady significant other.  And for the first time ever in your life (okay lets stop the word play- I'm not talking about you, I'm talking about me)
For the first time ever in my life I'm thinking, "This is the relationship that will not crumble after 3 months, or six months, or maybe even a year.  And heck, if we last one year, why not two?" and so on and so forth... but I dare don't say that, because I don't want to scare the poor woman off... and then it turns out, we're beyond mind games, and she's kinda thinking the same thing...

And that's when  you realize, aw hell, is this what it is like to be happy and content?  The good content.  Not the bad content, where it's 104 degrees outside, so you decided to go to a movie, just to get out of the heat, and all that's playing is Transformers, so you have to decide, melt?  or watch Shia LaBeouf?  Melt your face off 104 degree heat?  or Shia LaBeouf?  Hot as lava Texas summer heat?  or Shia LaBeouf?

...

Seriously, old people, babies and pets die in this heat, or Shia LeBeouf?  It's really a tough decision!  But then you figure you can sleep through Transformers if the seats are comfortable enough, so you decided to go into the movie theater.

And basically you're paying 12 dollars to watch a really loud confusing poorly acted movie, and maybe doze off for 15 minutes... and you're content...

I'm not talking about that kind of content- I'm talking about the good kind of content.
You just had some good home cooking.  You're sitting at home, you have no worries, you might get to have sex later on that night... that kind of content.

I used to write much more than I do now.  I don't really know what happened but a few years ago, I curbed my writing productivity till I was practically at nill.  I would take on the occasional writing gig, writing a children's play for a local children's theater (but I was usually asked to write original material- using characters that were copywritten- thus nothing I can claim)
But for the most part I haven't really been writing anything.  And it's something that I've been needing to get back into for several reasons.

So a few weeks ago, instead of watching yet another TNT/USA (We know drama/Characters Welcome) show- I decided to hop on the old internet, and look at some of my old writings from my old blog, and my old book reviewing site... and I realized a great deal of my old writings dealt with the fact that I was incredibly unhappy in love- or not in love- or had an unrequited love.

(I keep asking my girlfriend to read my old stuff- and she never seems that interested- or so I thought, but what I'm realizing is that more than likely she's already read it- and probably isn't the greatest fan of how I go on and on about how this girl or that girl got away or broke my heart, or how I was sure she was the one... yeah, slight miscalculation on my part).

But this was quite the realization of me.  I am a miserable writer!  I'm not maudlin like some gooey high schooler... it's usually light and self deprecating, and sometimes poignant, and sometimes awful- but there was always some sort of heart ache linked to my writings.  Just a bit of venom.

And now- I don't seem to have that venom coursing through my veins any longer.  I have to invent a new way to write.  And it's hard enough to get back on that horse.  It's sort of like working out.  I haven't done that in forever either.  And every morning I wake up and think, "this is the day,the belly expands no more!" but then I usually end up at the grocery store buying muffins because muffins taste good when you're content with your life!  You know what doesn't taste good?  Salty sweat.  That's gross.

And the first time you finally do make it back into the gym after a long hiatus- you think, "Seriously?  Is this what running feels like?  Holy crap?  Why would anyone do this?  No one is chasing me?  My life isn't in danger... well, it is- but that's the impending heart attack!"  and then you do a squat and you think, "Crap on a stick!  This is why they use steroids!  Cause weight lifting sucks!"
But no imagine you go back to working out at the gym, and all the machines are new machines... machines you've never seen before- machines you have no idea how to use.  And they look menacing.  There are cables and pulleys and arms jutting out in every direction.  And you don't even know where to begin!  And you hate it!  Because you know it's what you need to do- you know you need to work out (or rather: I know I need to write in the non metaphor version of this story- but really I need to do both)- but you just don't know where to begin, and the whole thing seems too complex, too daunting!  What's a guy to do???

Twitter.  Hell yeah!  140 characters of total nonsense being tweeted by all my favorite people!

Hell yes John Hodgman just played FURY in a game of scrabble.  You know what?  It got him 20 points!

And you know what Albert Brooks?  I did smirk at your joke:  Clint Eastwood seen lunching with J.K. Rowling. Dirty Harry Potter?

Twitter is a time wasters best friend!  Just like Bejewelled!  And this is what I've been doing with my life.  I have not been writing like I have promised myself.  I'm definitely out of writing shape.  That's why it's taken me nearly a week to write this blog.
I'm out of shape as well- but lets not talk about that here... at least not yet. 

Well, that's off my chest.  Time for a donut!

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