Friday, July 29, 2011


So I've accidentally- temporarily given up smoking. 

Let me say this- Smoking is a gross habit.  It really is.  I'm not going to tell anybody not to pick it up.  We're all adults here- we can all make up our own minds to do what we want. 
I didn't smoke for a really long time.  Then one day I picked it up.  Peer pressure.  No kidding!  And I was a total adult.  I was working a full time job, living on my own, doing things, trying to make it happen, young guy in the big city (well the suburbs of a big city)... and I realized all the women I wanted to go out with- the same women that didn't want to go out with me- but rather with other people- they all smoked.  And the men that did get those women who rejected me- they smoked too.  So logic dictates that I too should smoke, then I will have someone to sleep with at nights!

Now you're thinking, "Jeff- that's so... after school special!  That's so... I can't believe you would fall for that-"
Shut it.  I picked up smoking, and within a month I was having sex.  Peer pressure is a real thing, and its a real thing for a real reason.  I instantly became more interesting.  I went from the guy that didn't smoke, to the guy who was so damaged I did all of a sudden smoke.  And I've been smoking ever since.
Except I found myself picking up smoking at the beginning of the great, "let's get rid of all smokers!" movement.  Now smoking is banned everywhere- and cigarettes cost $37.76 a pack.  And I found that more and more of my friends who have been smoking since they were 8 years old have, or were now trying to quit.

After smoking of a couple of years I decided to try and quit- but it never really took more than a couple of months.  And so I just kind of gave up on giving up.  Not really because I felt particularly addicted to it- it was just something to do on the drive home from work.  But now... now I find that I have accidentally given up.

I say accidentally because I didn't really mean to stop smoking- I just didn't smoke one day, then I didn't smoke the next, or the day after that, or the day after that- and now it's been nearly a week, and I guess what started as poor time management skills and laziness, and a bit of a cold, and semi not wanting to spend money turned into a good habit? 
See, I never really found time to go to the store to get another pack of cigs (after smoking the last of my last pack)- and I was always running somewhere with just enough time to get to the place I wanted to go- or I was sleeping- or working- or just not in a place to get more cigs.

Sidenote: I've been to places like the grocery store, or Target a number of times over the past week, but I always feel extra skeezy buying cigarettes from places where I can buy actual produce (Grocery store) or underwear (Target). 

It's perfectly okay to buy cigs at a gas station because it's the one place you can smoke a cig and blow up a city block in the process... plus depending on what gas station you're at, in whichever part of town you're in- there always the possibility that there's someone cooking up crank while having sex with a transvestite hooker in the bathroom, so buying a pack of Camel Turkish Gold really makes me seem like a young boyish innocent.

BUT if I were to buy a pack at Target, well then- Isaac Mizrahi would be very upset with me.  Smoking doesn't seem to fit in that well with Targets anti-union- pro college hipster vibe.  I'm sure there are plenty of people who work and shop at Target who smoke, and I'm sure there are plenty of people who buy there cigarettes at Target, but I just feel funny buying a pack of 4 t-shirts, some Old Spice body wash, an Elmo doll, a pint of ice cream, The Matrix Revolutions on DVD and a pack of cigarettes all in one transaction.

Cigarettes should be bought with beer or gas, and that's it.

That's why I can't buy them at the grocery store either.
"I'd like to buy three Granny Smith apples, some bread, and a pack of Camels please."
Gross.  That's just gross.

So- I haven't bought cigs this past week.  It didn't hurt my non smoking trend that I've developed a summer cold (what the hell life?  I know many people catch colds in the summer- but seriously, it's been 100 + degrees for the last month here in Texas... who catches a cold in that?  Me.  That's who).  and I hate the taste of cigarette and phlegm.

Also, I went out of town last weekend.  And I was kinda saving my money prior to that trip, and since lawmakers want to tax people to health (Making cigarettes so expensive people will no longer want to buy them- though aren't we in some kind of debt crisis?  Are you saying that the people you want to tax out of smoking are the only reason this country is keeping afloat?)

So, all these things added up- sickness, money saving, laziness, and unwillingness to buy cigarettes at the grocery store or Target- to me not smoking for a week now. 

I'm not saying I've given it up for good.  I've felt the pangs of desire for a cigarette.  I've wanted one after every meal I've had, and at the end of every work shift this week- and it's probably the simple fact that I didn't have any (and I don't believe in bumming cigarettes) that I haven't smoked.
I haven't been out drinking- and I'm sure once I find myself out at a bar, the urge will be too overwhelming and I will have one. 
I'm sure there are plenty of people who give up smoking for good- like alcoholics who never touch a drop of booze again.  Those people are super strong.  I'm not that strong.  I'm sure I will eventually have a cigarette again.  Maybe even two.  I may even go back to smoking on a semi regular basis... but for now I'm going with out. 

I've heard radio commercials, or maybe its that I've seen television ads that give facts about what happens to your body after you've given up smoking, I couldn't remember what they said, so I looked it up...

  • Blood pressure drops to normal. -I guess that happened... who can tell?
  • Pulse rate drops to normal. -What's normal?  Again- I guess that happened.
  • Body temperature of hands and feet increases to normal. -I run hot anyway... does that matter to me? no.
  • Carbon monoxide level in blood drops to normal. -Good for my blood!
  • Oxygen level in blood increases to normal. -No one start a fire in my body!
  • Chance of heart attack decreases. -eh... tell that to the donuts!
  • Nerve endings start regrowing.- Oh!  You're no longer on my last nerve!  I have more!
  • Ability to smell and taste is enhanced. -Mcdonalds is shitty!

  • Circulation improves. -of my blog?
  • Walking becomes easier. -it's too damn hot to walk anywhere.  Who cares?
  • Lung function increases up to 30%.-Opera here I come!
Stuff I have to look forward to-
  • Coughing, sinus congestion, fatigue, and shortness of breath decrease. -okay, sure.
  • Cilia regrow in lungs, increasing ability to handle mucus, clean the lungs, and reduce infection.-gross?
  • Body's overall energy increases. -Okay...sure
     Now, all that is neat I guess, but it's not really that exciting, unless you're shrunken up to microscopic size and living in my lungs... but now it gets interesting...
  • A horse arrives at your front door for a free hour of horseback riding.
  • You can stare into the sun for 7 minutes without any repercussion.
  • You can run a marathon whether you've been working out or not.
  • You look better in bow ties.
  • Lisa Johnson from sophomore year algebra will finally want to sleep with you, you can reject her or take her up on her offer depending on your availability.
  • You can hold your breath for 37 minutes.
  • Risk of cancer of the mouth, throat, esophagus, bladder, kidney and pancreas decreases, also your able to make the perfect crepe.  

  • You learn a second or third language.  Just instantaneously.  Don't ask just happens.
  • College finally pays off, and all your dreams come true!
So I guess if I keep this up, I do have a lot to look forward to. 
I'm sure my ass doctor won't give a damn that I've taken up and quit smoking in the time since I've last seen him (it's been awhile)-
He'll probably harp on me about eating healthier, or exercising or some crap.  Whatever.
You health nuts are never happy.  Just like me. 

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